Speech A

Chances are, a majority of you people sitting in those bleachers listening to me talk don’t know me. There’s even a chance that you could be to my right in the Junior section, WHICH is my OWN class, and you STILL might not know me. Exactly why I would be a great candidate for President. It worked for Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan, why not myself?

It’s funny because I’ve yet to say my name. Well, let’s do a little audience participation. Raise your hand if you have seen Broken Lizard’s hit 2001 movie Super Troopers. ***Expects no one to raise hands*** C’mon now, don’t be shy, I know more of you have seen it. If you have, you are sure to remember Rodney Farva. I am that character reincarnated in a sixteen-year old body. If you don’t believe me, come meet me. There is a striking resemblance. I hear all the ahh’s coming out. So that’s what Farva’s name is. Yup, I’m Farva.

Anyway, I was driving to my boy Kevin Leson’s crib last night to write this speech, and I passed Rashid’s Market on my way. I’ve lived on the South Side my whole life, and have gone to that store numerous times, even back when it was called City Provision Market. For those of you that don’t know, which I assume is everybody, it is your prototypical Arab store. Excuse me, arab, have to be politically correct.

So that is why you should vote me. I didn’t participate in the white flight. I don’t live in Struthers or Boardman like the other candidates. In fact, I live 10 blocks from Mooney, quite close, which means not only can I get here in a moment’s notice, but I also know the area. I represent the minorities, not the cool hip cats from the Burbs. Now everyones yelling, but you’re a Caucasion Male, how can you represent minorities. I’ll tell you. I’M ADOPTED. Ya, how many of you can claim that. If elected as Student Council President, I will to quote some rapper “hold the block on lock”, for everyone.

Lastly, I’m going to address what is probably the most important thing… what I stand for. I am running a campaign of humor, designed to get the Fun back into Cardinal Mooney. Which of course would become Cardin-fun-al Mooney, which in reality makes 0 sense, so I guess I should scrap that idea.

I am running a campaign of anti-sliced bread. If you think about it, Sliced Bread is the worst invention ever. It tastes not nearly as fresh, nor as thick as normal bread. It doesn’t taste as good dipped in sauces or buttered as opposed to unsliced bread. Virtually the only thing sliced bread is good for is sandwiches, and I believe that as High Schoolers, we are more than able to cut ourselves bread. So I humbly request that you vote me on Thursday May 13^th, and together we will get the Sliced Bread out of Mooney.

Thank you, and good night!